Sirius in memoriam: Being alive
by Rheanja
Summary: Sirius escaped Azkaban in the third book. What happened on his journey? Who did he meet? My farewell to Sirius may he rest in peace. SPOILERS for OotP


_Sirius in memoriam: Being alive_

Written by: Rhiannon

Genre: Angst, romance

Rating: K+

Pairing: Sirius/Miriam

Summary: My farewell to Sirius; a story about what happened to Sirius after the escape on Buckbeak and before returning to England again.

A/N: The characters belong to J.K. Rowling. This story is fictionary and a product of my (bizarre?) imagination.

_Prologue_

Sitting on the back of a Hippogriff was much more uncomfortable than Sirius had imagined. The probability of falling off was alarmingly big, because the beast's huge wings were definitely in the way. The only good thing was that the Hippogriff's back was covered in thick feathers. The bad thing was that Sirius didn't feel like gripping them too hard – after all, Hippogriffs were easily offended.

The air was very cold. It blew straight into Sirius' face, making his eyes water. The Hippogriff's wings beat the air, sending little whirlwinds whisking in every direction. The moon was waning. It felt ages and ages ago since he had stared straight at the very same moon, staring at it without knowing it would ruin everything. Sirius´ thick eyebrows knitted and the huge amount of frustration that had been building inside him all night threatened to choke him.

How- HOW?- could they let Pettigrew escape? How? Without noticing, Sirius gripped the Hippogriff's feathers in his hands so hard that the beast veered off course and clicked its beak menacingly. Sirius released the feathers immediately and told himself to calm down. It wouldn't do any good to dwell on that, he had more pressing matters on his mind. Like where to go now…At this point, another feeling erupted in his heart. It was a feeling he hadn't dared to feel, not yet…a feeling he never thought he would experience again. He was…free. _He was free._

Sirius slid of the Hippogriff's back with a pained grunt. Christ, every part of him ached. He rubbed his eyes and looked around. A lopsided smile slid onto his face as he watched the clearing. "This is going to be a cold night", he said to himself. The Hippogriff – wasn't its name Buck-something…- had lain down on the ground. It was watching him imperiously with its fierce, orange eyes. Sirius stared at it stupidly. "What?" he said. The Hippogriff snorted disgustedly. "Now, don't you snort at me", Sirius began threateningly, but broke off, remembering again his old Care Of Magical Creatures teacher's advice about never offending a Hippogriff. "Uhum…I mean, you're hungry, I suppose?" Sirius continued, apologetically. The Hippogriff tossed its head and looked at him expectantly. Sirius sighed and pushed his hair out of his eyes. How on earth would he find something for a Hippogriff? He didn't have a wand and not even any Muggle-tools. Sirius' fingers twitched slightly when he remembered the moment when he had held Ron's wand, and that fool, Snape's wand…_That feeling_…He had been almost sure that he wasn't capable to use magic anymore, but when he had held the wand in his hand…even though it wasn't his own…But now he was wandless and had no means of getting one, either. Sirius ground his teeth together. He didn't have _anything. _Not _anything._

The small clearing in the forest was very dark. The thick branches hang low, almost touching the ground. No light came through the trees and, indeed, there was no light at all, not anywhere. But a huge dark shape could still be seen in the clearing. It looked like some big animal, except that its figure was most odd. An eagle…and a horse?

Close by, a man sat, leaning against a tree. He was fast asleep. His face was obscured by a mass of long, black, unkempt hair. He was wearing black robes, which were very dirty and torn. He didn't move a muscle, not even when a piercing, hooting sound shot through the woods, not even when something black- and white shuffled past him. He was clearly deep in his sleep, dreaming.

The thought hammered inside his head.- I'm guilty, I'm guilty…-Screams, groans echoed throughout the darkness. They never ceased, never. He put his hands over his ears, trying and failing to shut them out. -I'm NOT guilty.- The darkness was all-consuming, it was everywhere. The nights were worst. They were a nightmare, no, worse than a nightmare. Every night he sank into this bottomless pit with no one to drag him up. -Because I am guilty.- And then…they came. Destroying every ounce of hope he had.- I know, I know! I am guilty!- Sucking out his feelings, his memories, HIM. It felt like cold, invisible hands groping inside his head and his heart, wrenching precious things away, leaving him bare and alone. So much was lost already. He couldn't see anymore. Everything was darkness. The cold feeling surrounded him. There was no way out. The air was stony and so cold it was agony to breath. And the darkness crept on him, taking a shape of a hooded figure. It bent over him and…

"NOOOOO!" Sirius leapt up from the ground. He was bathing in sweat and shaking madly. His head was hurting so badly that he saw tiny spots dancing in front of his eyes. The darkness around him was smothering him, tightening around him like an invisible spider's web. His breath came in gasps, his lungs aching. Sirius covered his face in his hands. _The pain, the pain! _Then he suddenly turned and pushed violently through the trees. _I've got to get out! _And thus he ran, ran, not noticing the branches barring his way or scratching his face. He only wanted to get out of this black hole. But his flight stopped abruptly when he stumbled on a tree root and fell face down, straight into a small pond. Sirius felt the cold water close about his head. He rose to the surface, spluttering madly, wiping his eyes. The pond was not deep, but he sank into the sand all the same. Sirius grimaced. "Great", he muttered, "really great!". He tried to get up to the bank but the grass was slippery and he fell right back into the muddy water. With a gigantic effort, Sirius grabbed – ironically – a tree root and pulled himself from the water. And when he scrambled onto the bank, an owl was waiting for him, sitting on a stone.

Sirius stared. An _owl_? The first thought in his head was to flee, any sign of the wizarding world made him edgy at this moment. But the owl just looked at him peacefully. It was medium-sized and a very obscure, brown colour. It carried a thin package and a letter. With a shaking hand, Sirius reached out his hand and took the letter. It was addressed to him and the writing was thin and spidery. The ink was…green. Sirius' eyes widened.

_Dear Sirius,_

_I hope this finds you well and far away already. My advice is that you go as far away as possible, as far as that truly magnificent Hippogriff will carry you. It is safer that way. I imagine you are concerned about what has conspired here. I assure you that Harry and his friends are fine. No lasting harm was done. Professor Lupin is also recovered. _

_My deepest apologies for not believing you all those years ago. It is not my first mistake and certainly not my last. The only favour I felt I could do you was to order you a new wand. As I remember, your old wand was fourteen inches, rowan tree and containing one dragon heart string. As you also know, it was split in two. After some serious conversations with Mr Ollivander I got him to manufacture the very same wand – except that this time, the dragon heart string is not from a Welsh Green but a Chinese Fireball. In other words, it is a very temperamental wand. Use it well._

_A.D_

Sirius stared at the letter. Then he took up the thin parcel. His hands were shaking again and as he tried to open it, his wet fingers slipped. And then, at last, he took up the wand and held it in his hand. He looked at it, examined it from every angle. Yes, it was exactly the same. He turned it over in his hands, walking slowly back towards the clearing. The owl was trailing him, flying soundlessly in the air behind. Sirius reached the clearing but didn't take his eyes off the wand. It felt alive in his hands, throbbing with power. He looked up and saw the Hippogriff watching him contemptuously. Suddenly Sirius grinned. He pushed his wet hair away and raised the wand. His fingers prickled. He pointed the wand at the Hippogriff, cleared his throat and said: "_Wingardium Leviosa!" _And immediately, the stunned Hippogriff rose into the air. It floated there, looking quite stupid, its wings beating and tail flailing, and as Sirius watched it he started to laugh. He doubled over, completely overcome with mirth. He laughed so much he had tears in his eyes. Then Sirius realised he was laughing and crying at the same time, shaking again. He couldn't stop himself. Everything came back to him. The catastrophe in the street full of Muggles, Pettigrew deceiving Lily and James…and that awful moment he had seen their bodies…the Dementors closing in, breaking his wand, bars and darkness all around him…and the horrible journey to Hogwarts mingled together with the most recent events – Harry, Remus…and the last sight of Harry, telling him to go, looking so much like James that it was almost unbearable…And so, Sirius Black, after thirteen years of imprisonment in Azkaban, at last let the grief and sorrow consume him, and he cried, for the first time since that awful day when Lily and James Potter were murdered.

Chapter 1

The air was wet. There was no other word for it. It felt like standing in a rainless rain. It was very hot and the sun was blazing overhead. Sirius closed his eyes and turned his face towards the light. He just couldn't get enough of it- the light, the warmth. It was all so wonderful. He was lying on the ground in the warm, golden sand, listening to the turquoise waves beating the shore. The sand was as soft as the softest pillow. Behind him, great trees rose and a small path disappeared into the forest. Sirius grinned straight at the sun and felt that this, truly, was life.

When the sun reached its zenith it became too hot even for Sirius. He rose up and brushed the sand from his arms and legs. He was already sunburnt and looked much healthier. His dark, wavy hair was cut to his shoulders and he had a pair of black shorts and a Hawaiian shirt on. He had nicked them from a Muggle-shop in the capital, Honolulu. Sirius set for the small path and disappeared into the woods. He walked for a while through the thick forest. It was incredibly green and full of noises, trees creaking, monkeys chattering and birds singing. Sirius pushed through a thicker bush and reached something that looked like a tent made of leaves, which was exactly what it was. It was set between the roots of a gigantic tree and in the shadow of the tree the Hippogriff sat, whisking its tail at the insects. "Hello there, Buckbeak," Sirius said brightly. "Wonderful day, isn't it?" Buckbeak clicked his beak. Sirius went into the tent and emerged again with a banana in his hands and sat down on the ground, eating and thinking. He had been here for about three weeks now. On Hawaii. And until now, he hadn't seen much of the island. He hadn't dared. He didn't know if he was far enough and if the Dementors could find him here. But now he felt he had to look around a bit and see what kind of people lived here. He had seen some when he was scavenging dustbins in the capital. They looked quite ordinary, except there seemed to be an awful lot of tourists here, big, fat and pale tourists, sweating like pigs in the tropical heat. Sirius grinned: wasn't he a tourist as well? He decided to wait until evening.

In the evening Sirius transformed into a dog and walked back to the beach. He started jogging along it northwards. The wind had blown up and there were dark clouds on the horizon. He sniffed the air. It smelt stormy. Sirius started running. He ran onwards on the endless beach and saw the lights from the city. Around it there were many other smaller groups of light. One group was very close and Sirius slipped into the woods but kept the beach in sight. At that point, he heard a terrible rumbling noise. It came from the sea and he turned his shaggy head towards it. What he saw made him yelp. There was an enormous WAVE coming towards him. It was at least 20 metres high and it seemed to grow as it came nearer. It roared like a thousand thunderstorms together. Sirius was so preoccupied with this strange thing that he didn't notice he was just behind a house, a small house built of wood. A faint light was flickering in the window. Suddenly, there was a loud scream from inside the house. Sirius almost jumped out of his skin. _What the_…? At that point, a young girl ran out of the house. She was wearing a nightgown and she was quite hysterical, screaming and pointing at the wave. It was even nearer. Sirius stared at the girl. She flung herself deftly to the ground and ran straight towards him. He backed away and she ran past him, crying and whimpering. Sirius looked back at the wave. It obscured the sky. And it hit him: _We're going to drown!_

In a split of a second, he changed back into a man and ran after the girl. She was not far ahead. Sirius reached her and grabbed her arm. "Wait!" he called. The girl screamed and struggled, looking over her shoulder. Sirius pulled out his wand. "Accio Buckbeak!" he shouted, trying to prevent the girl from biting him. And to his immense relief, Buckbeak came soaring after a while that felt like ages. Sirius hoisted the nearly unconscious girl onto the back of the Hippogriff and jumped up after her. He squeezed Buckbeak's sides and they rose into the air, flew over the treetops just in time to get the full view of the wave roaring onto the beach and the wood, swallowing it like the legendary Atlantis. It was an ear-splitting sound. Buckbeak was frantic and difficult to steer. The only thought in Sirius's head was to go somewhere the wave couldn't reach – if there was such a place.

Sitting beside the fire under a tree, Sirius watched the girl sleep with mixed emotions. She wasn't hurt, she was just chocked, but he didn't really want her to wake up, either. Would she recognise him? What would happen if she did? Should he leave her here? _You can't do that_, a voice said to him. _I know, I know_, Sirius snapped at the voice. He looked back at the girl. She looked very young yet her body was a woman's body, not a girl's. The odd thing was that she didn't look at all like the people he had seen and supposed were inhabitants here on the island. She looked much more like a tourist – except she wasn't big or fat! She wasn't tall, either, but rather short and small. Her hair was very long and thick but it was a colour he'd never seen before; a sort of ash-blond colour. Her face was tanned but around her eyes were paler circles, which revealed that she usually was fair-skinned. Her cheeks were slightly flushed. She wasn't exactly beautiful, but there was something about her…Sirius shut his eyes._ Don't think about that_, he said to himself sternly. At that point, the girl opened her eyes and looked straight at him. Sirius's breath caught. _Those eyes…_They were the palest blue, almost lilac, yet now they suddenly blackened with fear. A fire rose in those eyes that made Sirius recoil. _Oh my God…_

"Who are you?" It took a while for Sirius to understand that the girl was talking to him and in English, above all. He cleared his throat. "Don't worry, I won't hurt you," he said soothingly. The girl glared at him. "Who ARE you?" she demanded. Sirius sighed. "I can't tell you that, but you have my word: I won't hurt you and I will get you home as soon as you're well. The girl stared. "I am well," she announced and rose up. Her eyes rolled over and she collapsed. Sirius jumped forward and got her just before she hit the ground. The girl was panting slightly. Sirius pushed her to the ground again. "Yes, you're in the shape of your life," he said ironically. The girl's eyes were full of daggers. Sirius sighed again. "Just rest here for a while, OK?" he said. The girl rolled her eyes. "So, who are YOU?" Sirius counter-asked, trying to ignore the way the light played upon the girl's delicate features. To his surprise the girl answered. "My name is Miriam. I live here. Or I lived in the house that is probably drowned, she continued sadly. Then her eyes steeled again. "But now I have told you my name. It is only fair you tell yours." A faint smile crossed Sirius' lips. "All right then, Miriam. My name is…Robin." He invented the name in an instant. Miriam nodded her head. Then she looked down and said grudgingly: "Oh…and thanks for saving my life, by the way. Sirius' smile widened. _Oh, she is stubborn…That's brilliant._

The girl continued to stare at him. Sirius stared back, disconcerted but unable to look away from those gorgeous eyes. "Are you all right yourself?" The girl asked. Sirius started. "Oh yeah, I'm fine." _Please, don't let her recognize me! I wonder if she's a Muggle…_He cleared his throat. _"_Are you hungry?" Miriam nodded. "Come on, let's get something to eat", Sirius said, stood up and held out his hand to help her up. Miriam looked at him doubtfully. Then she grabbed his arm and stood up, swaying. She let go very quickly and walked over to the fire and looked around. "Where are we?" she asked. "On the other side of the island", Sirius answered. "We had to get away from that wave." Miriam looked at him. "It was a _tsunami_", she said, as this was the most obvious thing in the world. "Didn't you know that?" Sirius shot her a withering look. "You're odd, you know that?" Miriam continued. "How is it possible that you don't know these things if you come to Hawaii?" Sirius didn't answer. "Oh, now I understand", Miriam said. "You're one of those oh-so-brave reality-TV adventurers, who come and want to play Robinson Crusoe, not knowing what they get into." Sirius stared at her, uncomprehending. _Reality-TV? What the hell is that?_" Whatever you are, you're not very talkative, are you?" Miriam shot at him. "I suppose you have some big secret you don't want me to know?" Sirius felt fear rise inside him. Then he felt irritated. "I don't know where you get your ideas from, _miss,_ but my business is just that – MY business. Now, take a banana and be quiet for a moment, will you?" The girl stared at him, her eyes furious, and opened her mouth to shout at him. And at that point, Buckbeak came ranting right at them from the forest with something limp dangling from its beak.

Miriam screamed. She backed away from the advancing Hippogriff with eyes wide with fear. Sirius' eyes widened as well. _Damn it…_He pushed her out of the way. "He's not dangerous. Just be still for a moment and DON'T scream." _Maybe if I put a Memory Charm on her…_ He walked up to Buckbeak and said. "Hello there, Beaky, what have you got today?" The Hippogriff let go of its prey. It was a mouselike creature. Sirius grimaced. "Hm, bon appetit, then!" He turned back to Miriam. She was still wide-eyed and had her back against a tree, looking as if she would rather be drowned. Sirius cursed himself. And Buckbeak. Why did the dratted creature have to come ranting just now? And why did he even save the girl?

There was nothing else for it. "I'm sorry", Sirius said quietly, not looking at Miriam. He took out his wand. Miriam looked petrified. "Wh-what are y-you d-doing?" she stammered. Sirius opened his mouth to utter the incantation but then he looked straight into Miriam's eyes. They were bewitching, deep like the deepest sea and pale as the summer sky. Sirius wand arm fell. "Please, d-don't hurt me", Miriam whimpered, tears shining in her eyes. Sirius drew a deep breath. _Just do it, you have to do it to save yourself. _But he was unable to do anything. Cursing himself and everything else, Sirius put his wand away and sighed. "I'm not going to hurt you", he said soothingly. "And he's not dangerous", waving his head at Buckbeak, "you just have to get to know him." Miriam looked at him as if he were mad, but an interested gleam was in her eye. "What is it?" she asked at last, in a hushed voice. "It's a Hippogriff", Sirius answered, knowing he was sending himself to his doom. _At least I'm tanned now._ Miriam approached the beast cautiously. "Look it straight in the eyes", Sirius instructed, "and bow." Miriam did so, looking as she would rather not. Buckbeak stared at her. Its orange eyes were fierce. Then, suddenly, it bowed low to Miriam. Sirius let out a sigh of relief. "OK, now you can pat him on the beak." Miriam shook her head. "Oh, no, I don't think I will", she mumbled. Sirius grinned and walked over to her. "Don't be afraid", he said, reaching out to stroke the Hippogriff on the back. Miriam's eyes flashed. "I'm NOT afraid", she said irritatedly and reached out her hand to pat Buckbeak's beak. "I knew that would do the trick", Sirius said, still grinning. "What are you babbling about?" Miriam asked acidly. "Nothing. His name is Buckbeak, by the way", Sirius said. Miriam shot him a withering look. There was a brief silence.

"I still don't know who you are", she said at last. Sirius frowned. "I can't tell you." Miriam didn't listen to him. "What were you going to do with me with that pointy thing, anyway?". Sirius started. _Get a grip on yourself!_ "Eh…what were YOU doing in your house, if you knew the _tsunami _was coming?" To his immense satisfaction, Miriam blushed. "Oh…I was…well, if you must know, I was sleeping. I had this really amazing dream…and I didn't want to wake up…". Miriam's voice trailed away and on her face was a dreamy look. "What were you dreaming about?" Sirius asked in an off-hand sort of way. At this, Miriam blushed even more. "Ah…IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" she yelled furiously at him. Sirius tried to suppress a smile. "Well, let's strike a bargain: you don't have to tell me your secret and I don't have to tell you mine. OK?" Miriam snorted. She looked profoundly irritated. "You're so annoying, did you know that?". Sirius nodded, grinning from ear to ear, feeling so much alive that it ached. "Yeah, I know."

Chapter 2

Miriam stared at her toes. She had been staring at them so much that she knew every little deflect on the skin off by heart. But she just couldn't look up, not when she knew Robin was near her. He affected her in a way nobody had ever done. For two weeks, they had been on the other side of the island, unable to go back, because of the great damage the _tsunami_ had done. Miriam blushed. Even the word _tsunami _made her feel uncomfortable. Everything that reminded her of Robin was highly unsettling. She couldn't describe this feeling, it was like being constantly in a big-dipper. Miriam started when she heard Robin come inside. The small hut they had built was elementary but it sufficed. "Miriam…". _Please don't talk to me…That voice…_"The dinner is ready." Miriam lifted her head involuntarily, because even though she didn't want to admit it, she wanted nothing more than to look at Robin, drink in his features and touch him. She blushed again. Robin was looking at her with those mysterious eyes through his black hair. "Are you all right?" he asked, looking concerned. Miriam nodded, but the fact was that she felt like fainting and it made her furious with herself. _You're behaving like a witless teenager,_ she said to herself. "I'm fine", she said, a bit more tartly than she meant to and when she saw Robin's reaction she snapped. He was not smiling, but his eyes were alive and in them flames of mirth were dancing. Miriam felt the blood drain from her face. _Why am I feeling like this?_

Sirius watched Miriam. He had to fight down the urge to reach out and help her up, just to get the chance to touch her. These two weeks had been a torment. They had reached an unspoken agreement not to talk about much except the weather, food and other meaningless stuff. For meaningless it all was, because Sirius wanted nothing more than talk to Miriam, tell her about his secret, get her to understand and to have somebody who believed him. No, it was more than that. He wanted _Miriam_ to believe him and nothing else felt important at this point. Sirius couldn't understand what had gotten into him. A month ago, he had been on the run, fleeing for his life and now, all he cared about was to convince a Muggle girl that he was innocent, just because the girl – no, the woman, was more beautiful than anybody he'd ever seen and because she was sharp-witted and stubborn to the point of being downright impossible to be with. Everything that had happened before he came to Hawaii felt distant and unreal. He had written to Harry twice, sending parrots with the messages, thinking Harry would like them. But the wizarding world felt so far away, here on Hawaii everybody lived according to the rules of the nature. Sirius hadn't used his wand at all these past two weeks and he didn't even miss it. The only thing he could think of was Miriam, which was extremely annoying. _I'm behaving like a witless teenager,_ he thought sourly. _If James or Remus saw me now, they would laugh themselves to death. _"Come on", he said to Miriam. "I've made us something to eat". Miriam nodded again and stood up with that fluid grace that made those constant butterflies in Sirius' stomach take flight again. He felt slightly dizzy and when Miriam passed him, almost touching him in the narrow door, he thought the air was vibrating. Sirius passed a hand over his eyes. _Why am I feeling like this?_

They sat at the opposite sides of the fire, as far away from each other as they could get. Both were staring into the flames, deep in thought. Sirius was far away, in a time and space that felt an eternity ago. He was back at Hogwarts, creeping around in the dark corridors with James, running around Hogsmeade with Remus. His thought dwelled on all the tricks they played Filch and on the Quidditch matches, on that oaf Snape and on the way James always acted when Lily was around. Sirius had always thought James was the biggest prat in the world when he wanted to impress Lily, and now he himself was acting just as badly. _Well, James,_ he thought, _now I really know how you felt, but your excuse is that you were young. I don't even have that as an excuse. _

On the other side of the fire, Miriam was also deep in thought. Here she was, sitting beside a fire and in the company of someone she didn't even know but couldn't stop thinking about. And here she was, feeling just as insecure as she had done in school and in the company of boys. Miriam had always concentrated on school and had never allowed herself to get to know anyone. All her life – and she was already 27 years old – she had engrossed herself in her research. She was a top biologist with a well-paid job and this trip to Hawaii was organised by her company. Before this trip, she never felt she was missing out on something. But now she did. _What is it?_ Miriam shook her head and looked at Robin. The fire cast shadows on his face, making him look even more mysterious. _I want him. I am missing out in something. I am missing out on him._

Sirius was rather abruptly drawn away from his dreams. Miriam was standing right in front of him. The fire had died down and made her only a dark figure on his vision, but he knew it was her. Her face was shadowed. She sat down, facing him, and he saw her eyes in the darkness, eyes that were watching him closely. Sirius opened his mouth to speak but Miriam put up her hand. She leaned closer, put her arms around his neck and pressed her lips lightly against his.

Sirius' world went upside down. He didn't realise what was happening. It felt like travelling by Floo Powder except with megaspeed. And when his senses at last came back to him it was still like living in a dream. All those years in prison with nobody near him, nobody to talk to, nobody to touch had made him so cold inside and he felt the Dementors had driven out every ounce of tenderness and humanity there had ever been. But at last he realised that somebody was near him now, and that somebody was the girl he hadn't been able to get out of his mind. _Miriam…_Could this really be happening or was all this just imagination? All these feelings felt so wonderful and yet it was terrifying; the only thing Sirius could think about was that somebody would surely come and suck them out of him, leaving him more alone than ever. _No, no!_ He tried to shut down his thoughts, his feelings, as he had that ghastly time in Azkaban. But he couldn't, because his inner turmoil was overpowering him, Miriam's arms around him were reality and her lips on his even more so. They were so smooth and gentle…and yet the pain was terrible. He felt like dying. _I can't take it!_

_Pain_

_So much pain_

_I can't remember anything but the pain_

_They have taken everything_

_They will take this, too_

_I won't have it for long_

_Guard yourself against your feelings_

_You won't have them for long_

_Somebody will take them_

_Break them_

_Crush them into splinters_

_You didn't have them for long_

_An empty shell is all you are_

_Nobody to fill the void_

_Happiness is a forbidden thing_

_You won't have it for long_

Miriam felt Robin tremble. Her arms were still around him and she could feel him shaking. The kiss she had given him burned her lips. But Robin's breath ran ragged and his eyes were so terrified that Miriam recoiled. His eyes were full of an intense pain and they were dark as the darkest night. Miriam's arms fell to her sides. _What did I do?_ "Robin?" she whispered. Robin buried his face in his hands, gripping his hair so tightly his knuckles whitened. "I…I'm sorry", she heard him say in a muffled voice. "What? Why?" Miriam resisted the urge to shake him. At that, Robin lifted his head. His eyes were anguished. "You don't know anything about me." Miriam stared. "Of course I don't, you never tell me anything!" Robin looked even more anxious. "You have to understand", he said in a strained voice, "that it wasn't me! _It wasn't me!_ I'm innocent! But they don't care, they _won't_ care, they'll put me back inside…". The look in his eyes was desperate. "They'll take you away from me, too! They have taken _everything!"_ Robin broke off and stood up so suddenly that Miriam fell backwards. "I…I have to go", Robin said shakily. "I can't be near you, I'll go mad." He turned on his heels and made for the forest. Miriam jumped up. "_What do you think you're doing?_ She practically shouted at him, grabbing his arm. "I won't let you go, Robin! I won't! Tell me what is wrong!" Robin swayed on the spot, then turned to face her. He looked almost delirious. "My name is not Robin", he said softly. "My name is Sirius." He lifted his hand and stroke Miriam's cheek. "You cause me too much pain, Miriam. I have to go. Just forget we ever met." And having said that, the black-haired man turned and ran into the forest, not looking back.

Chapter 3

"_I want to know what love is_

_I want you to show me"_

_Foreigner_

Miriam stood there, unmoving. Not a single thought occurred in her head, and that was a miracle in itself. After a while, though, questions exploded inside her head. _Sirius? _Who was this mysterious man she had met, who made her feel like having been in a washing machine? And why, why had he run away from her? Why did she cause pain to him? And what had he got to hide? _I'm innocent,_ he had said. What had he done, then? Why couldn't he tell her? And who were "they"? Miriam noticed she was crying. She wiped her eyes hastily. "Stupid girl", she scolded herself, trying to stop the tears pouring down her cheeks. But it was of no avail. She sat down, slowly, as if she were a hundred years old. She lay down on the leafy ground gingerly and grimaced as a twig scraped her in the neck. She removed it and lay twiddling with it for a while. _Such soft wood this is…really soft. _Miriam looked at the twig to see what kind of tree it was and a muffled oath came out of her mouth. _It's that pointy thing…it's his…_Miriam examined the twiglike thing. It was the darkest brown and it felt very smooth. _What is this? Is it some kind of weapon?_ Miriam shook the thing. Nothing happened.

At that point, something caught her attention. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw something white fly into the forest. Miriam strained her eyes. What was it? She hadn't seen any white birds during her time on Hawaii and according to her knowledge, there weren't any, either. The white blur seemed to have settled in a tree and Miriam approached it slowly. She stared. It was an owl, an owl in the middle of a Hawaiian forest! How on earth was that possible? The owl was unmoving, staring into the forest. It was magnificent, snowy white and quite big – Miriam had never seen its like. Suddenly, the bird let out a screech and spread its wings, ready to take off. It stretched it claws and – Miriam's eyes widened with amazement – a letter fell to ground. The owl hooted in a sort of annoyed voice, but before it could take the letter, Miriam bent and picked it up. The owl seemed to notice her now and it left the tree, flying straight at her, cuffing her around the head angrily, trying to snatch the letter away. Miriam covered her head with her hands and read the name on the letter amidst violently beating wings. J.K.Rowling, direct citation from The Goblet of Fire, pp. 27-28

_Sirius._

_Dear Sirius, _the letter began,

_Thank you for your last letter, that bird was enormous, it could hardly get through my window. Things are the same as usual here. Dudley's diet isn't going too well. My aunt found him smuggling doughnuts into his room yesterday. They told him they'd have to cut his pocket money if he keeps doing it, so he got really angry and chucked his PlayStation out of the window. That's a sort of computer thing you can play games on. Bit stupid, really, now he hasn't even got_ Mega Mutilation Part Three_ to take his mind of things. _

_I'm OK, mainly because the Dursley's are terrified you might turn up and turn them all into bats if I ask you to. _

_A weird thing happened this morning, though. My scar hurt again. Last time that happened, it was because Voldemort was at Hogwarts. But I don't reckon he can be anywhere near me now, can he? Do you know if curse scars sometimes hurt years afterwards? I'll send this with Hedwig when she gets back, she's off hunting at the moment. Say hello to Buckbeak from me._

_Harry_

_PS. If you want to contact me, I'll be at my friend Ron Weasley's for the rest of the summer. His dad's got us tickets for the Quidditch World Cup! _

Miriam read the letter with mounting confusion. She didn't get anything. _Muggle? Quidditch? Voldemort? _What in the name of science was all this? Was it some kind of code language? And who was this Harry? And who, _who, _was Sirius? Miriam folded the letter up, still trying to prevent the bird from cuffing her on the head. _And an owl, delivering letters? Have I hit my head or something? _The bird made a swing at her again and Miriam put her hands over her head again"STOP IT!" she screamed. "I'll help you get the letter to that idiot!" _At least I get the chance to say what a buttom-dweller he is, with no manners and… _Miriam started jogging into the forest, the letter in one hand and the would-be-twig in the other.

Sirius stared at the sky. Everything was a mess. Everything. There was no way he could rectify this and certainly no way he would survive this little adventure of his. The Dementors would find him in the end and take him back to Azkaban. He would never see Harry again…never see Miriam again. _How could I be so stupid? _But his thoughts were interrupted when he heard a sound from the surrounding forest. Crashing…someone running. Sirius jumped up but before he could decide whether to run or not, he saw Hedwig come flying speedily through the trees, looking very affronted. And after her…came Miriam, carrying a letter and his wand. Sirius didn't have time to react at all. Miriam ran straight at him and held out her hand, forcing the letter into his hand. "Read it", she said coldly, throwing the wand at him and stepping back. Sirius was so confounded that he did exactly as she said. He read the letter.

"What!" Miriam started as Robin…no, Sirius, let out an exclamation. He was surveying the letter with worry and anxiety on his face. Then he folded the letter up and turned. "Buckbeak!" The Hippogriff came walking from the darkness. Sirius looked up at the owl sitting in the tree. He seemed to have forgotten Miriam was there. "Hedwig, take this to Harry", he said urgently and scribbled something on the other side of the letter, tied it to the owl's claw and it took off with a soft hoot, shooting a withering glance at Miriam. Sirius beckoned Buckbeak closer. He mounted and seemed to notice Miriam for the first time. "Come. I'll take you back to the camp." His voice was nondescript. Miriam crossed her arms and glared at him. "Oh no. You're not going to get away that easily. I think you have some explaining to do. Now." She directed a really icy stare at the man, trying to ignore her body's longing after him.

To her amazement, Sirius looked taken aback. "I…" he mumbled, completely lost, trying to avoid her eye, "…I'm…oh, _damn it_!" Sirius looked up at Miriam and this time Miriam was taken aback. Sirius' eyes were dark now and he looked angry. "Don't you understand? You're in danger around me. I'm in danger wherever I go. There are things I can't tell you, things you don't want to know, things you'll be happier not knowing! I'm trying to _spare _you some pain, but you just keep following me like a witless dog! Haven't you got anything better to do! " Sirius stopped suddenly, as if realising what he had said. Miriam surveyed him even more coldly. "Apparently not", she said darkly, fighting down the urge to scream at him. Sirius winced. He actually looked ashamed of himself. He slid of the beast's back and walked up to Miriam and reached out his hand. "Miriam, I'm sorry…". But Miriam lifted her hand and slapped him on the face, not being able to suppress the feelings inside her. Sirius grimaced and pressed the angry red mark on his cheek that mirrored her anger. "I suppose I deserved that", he said grudgingly. Miriam was seething, her eyes bored holes in him.

"What am I going to do with you!" she yelled, her voice totally out of control. "Don't you understand _anything_?" Sirius looked up, his eyes steely once more. "What do you mean?" Miriam flung up her arms in frustration. "What I _mean_? Don't you know anything about human feelings? Where have you _been_, boarded up in some jail for all your life? You can't just go around doing like that, making people care about you and then get off! Am I so ugly you wont even touch me? What's wrong with you? _Why don't you let me in_?" She moved closer, prodding Sirius in the chest. "_WHY_?"

Guard yourself against your feelings 

_You wont have them for long_

_They have taken everything_

_And I'll never be happy again_

"Stop! _Stop!_ Sirius covered his head in his hands, shunting away from Miriam. "Don't touch me!" Bur Miriam wouldn't let go, she just came closer. Sirius was trembling, unable to stop himself. He felt he was going mad. He could feel Miriam's hands on his chest, lingering there for a moment. Then she took his hands and forced him to look up. Sirius blinked through the tears he hadn't even realized he had shed. Miriam didn't look angry anymore. She only looked worried. "Sirius…" she whispered, "don't be afraid. It's all right. I won't hurt you." She pulled him closer into a tight embrace. Sirius felt her lean body against his, her heart beating fast and her warm breath on his face. "Don't be afraid", she whispered again, as she for the second time bent her head and searched his lips with hers.

Miriam was taken aback with the intensity of that kiss. She had half been prepared to be pushed aside again, but this time, Sirius' arms went around her and trapped her into an embrace that almost broke her ribs. The kiss deepened noticeably. She tasted salty tears on his lips and a kind of desperation in him. His muscles were tight under her touch. She felt his hands begin a journey on her body, caressing her with surprising tenderness that was at odds with his behaviour a moment ago. Miriam opened her mouth in a small gasp when Sirius' hand stopped on her breast, making her arch backwards. It felt so good, so wonderful. She felt her back bump into a tree. Her arms were trapped in Sirius' arms and his mouth made use of hers until she felt she couldn't breathe. But she couldn't stop either and slowly, slowly they slid to the wet ground. Sirius pressed his lips to the throbbing vein at her throat, then moved on to her collar bone.

Miriam's breath ran ragged. His hands were under her shirt, touching her bare skin. She was hot and cold, all at once, and the longing for his touch made her head spin. She opened the button on Sirius' Hawaiian shirt and touched his chest, feeling the muscles tense even more. Sirius inhaled sharply and looked her in the eye for the first time. Then he leaned over her and kissed her again, forcing her to open her mouth. His hand travelled downwards to her hips and to her stomach. Miriam was delirious. She felt him take off her skirt and slowly touch her where nobody ever had. "Sirius…"she gasped. "Mhm…please…". Sirius' lips pressed against hers again, silencing her. His hands wound their way into her hair and as he did so, Miriam lifted her hands and did what she had wanted to do all along; she stroked his hair with gentle fingers, bringing them to his neck and on to his back. She felt his muscles tense again under her touch. Sirius looked at her then, his eyes dark. They were full of shadows but there was also a tenderness Miriam hadn't seen before. He lifted his hand and stroked her cheek. "Are you sure?" he asked softly. Miriam drew a deep breath. "I'm sure", she said, her voice cracking a bit. Sirius looked at her, unmoving. Then he lowered his head and kissed her again until Miriam couldn't think of anything else.

Chapter 4

The sun was rising. Sirius watched it through the thick leaves. He remembered how the sun had shone through the barriers of his cell just the same way. It had always given him some hope – which, of course, was hastily sucked out of him again – but this morning he wasn't at all pleased to see it. Sirius closed his eyes and tried to forget about the sun altogether. It was made easier due to the fact that at that moment, Miriam stirred beside him, sighed and then went still again. Sirius opened his eyes. Miriam was lying there beside him. Her hair tickled his face. And her body was pressed against his, warm and soft. Sirius blinked. I will never forget this night. He put his arm around the girl, trying not to wake her. I wish I could stay this way forever. 

_Guard yourself against your feelings _

_You wont have them for long_

Miriam awoke and felt so warm, cosy and safe that at first she wondered where she was. Then she felt the man beside her put an arm around her and everything came back to her. _Oh God…_Miriam didn't move. Her brains were processing what had happened and she couldn't believe it. And what more, she couldn't believe she had enjoyed it so much. _Sirius…I don't even know who he is! Am I crazy or what is it?_ She knew it wasn't that. She was in love, stupidly, enormously and totally in love with a man she didn't know at all. Despite herself, Miriam's mouth curved into a smile. _It was certainly worth it. I wish we could stay this way forever._

It was midday. The forest was full of life once more and the heat was beginning to feel oppressing. Sirius and Miriam had both finally realized that it was inevitable. They had to get up. At first, there was an awkward silence between them. "Are you hungry?" Sirius asked, shading his eyes and looking for a banana tree. Miriam glanced at him and suddenly found the situation very humorous. "Yes, I'm ravenous. But it's not that surprising", she continued, wanting to tease him, "we really worked hard last night, don't you think?". Sirius' head turned sharply towards her. He looked embarrassed and Miriam grinned at him. Sirius rolled his eyes, then grinned, too. "Yes, I quite agree. I don't think a banana will be enough." Miriam laughed. It was a relief to feel the tension go away.

Sirius approached her slowly and put his arms around her. Miriam drew a shuddering breath, realizing that she had missed his touch already. Their lips met in a soft kiss. Miriam's hands went around Sirius' neck and the kiss deepened noticeably. When they at last parted, both were slightly breathless. Sirius stroked the curve of Miriam's chin with tender fingers. "I want to thank you", he whispered, is voice so low that Miriam had difficulties catching the words. Sirius lifted his head and took her hands. "Thank you", he repeated, looking deep into her eyes. Miriam looked back, a little startled. Sirius' eyes were so grateful and shone so warmly that she was frozen to the spot. "Why?" she asked, her voice hoarse. Sirius' eyes darkened a little. "For showing me that I am human, that I am a man despite…I thought I had lost it all. You gave my life back to me, Miriam. Thank you." His eyes were warm once more. "I will never forget this night." He lowered his head and kissed her again. Miriam didn't really understand what he meant, but she answered the kiss gratefully. Then Sirius took her hands and looked at her, now seriously. "I have to tell you something."

Sirius swallowed hard. Now he had to say it. He had to tell her he had to go and that he had to go now. It felt like the hardest thing he had ever done. Miriam was watching him attentively. He cleared his throat. "You remember the letter I got yesterday?" Miriam nodded. Sirius was grateful she didn't ask any questions. He was sure she would, though. "It was from my godchild Harry." Miriam nodded again. "He's…in trouble. He needs me. I…I have to go and help him." Sirius felt his voice falter. "And I have to go now."

Miriam didn't say anything for a while and her looks didn't betray her feelings. Then she sighed. "I know." Sirius stared. "How d'you…". Miriam smiled sadly at him. "I knew you were leaving. I knew it all the time. And I understand. Of course you have to go." She paused, then continued. "I still don't understand anything about all this, but as I take it you can't tell me…". She looked straight at him. "I just can't let you go like this", she said fervently, "I just can't!". She paused again. "Sirius…I'll come with you if you want me to."

"No!" Sirius shook his head vehemently. Miriam looked at him, her eyes hurt. "Please, try to understand, Miriam", Sirius implored. "I have to go back to a life full of dangers, a life without a home, a life without anything." He stopped, realizing that he had said too much. "I mean I've got nothing to offer you, nothing at all!" "I don't care", Miriam whispered, "I just want to be with you. Don't you know it by now?" Sirius swallowed again. "And don't you know how much it pains me to say this to you? You can't come with me, Miriam. I'm so sorry."

Miriam stared at the man. _Why doesn't he let me in after everything we have shared?_ She tried to hide her feelings, the hurt, the pain. "All right", she said, her voice nondescript. "I understand." Sirius smiled a little. " I doubt you do." " Then why wont you tell me!" Miriam flared. Sirius shook his head. "Then I would be forced to do something I really don't want to do." Miriam frowned. "Could you please speak so that I get what you're talking about?" Sirius smiled again. "I'm afraid our world's are so different that it's unavoidable." Miriam reached out her hand. "Can't we have our own world, then?" she asked, though knowing the answer. Sirius sighed and turned away. "Miriam…"

"Who is Voldemort?" Miriam shot at him before he could turn her down again. Sirius whirled around, his eyes widened. "What?" "Who is Voldemort?" Miriam repeated stubbornly. Sirius frowned at her. "Why do you ask me? Where have you heard that?" It was Miriam's turn to roll her eyes. "Oh, come off it! You didn't really expect me not to peek at your letter? Or did you think I'd forget everything just in one night?" Miriam tried to suppress a smile, though she felt sad and angry. "You're not _that _wonderful a lover." Sirius just stared at her, looking profoundly put off. "Just…let it go", he told her, his voice now somewhat cold. Miriam knew she was pushing him hard but she didn't really care anymore. "Do you know what I think? I think you have lied to me all the time. This Harry is probably not your godchild at all. And, as far as I can tell, your name could be anything. You have already given me two names. Why should I believe anything you say? Why should I even bother to find out!" Miriam's voice cracked. Then she felt Sirius grab her shoulders hard. His eyes bored into hers. "Now you listen to me", he said sternly. "I know I haven't been truthful or trustworthy or anything. But there are some things I do not do. One of them is lie to people I care about. The other thing is that I don't put people I care about in danger." Sirius stopped. "We don't have a future, Miriam", he said harshly. "Nobody can have a future with me, because I don't have one myself." His voice faltered and he turned away. "Just let it go."

There was a long silence. Sirius held his breath, waiting for Miriam to oppose him. But she didn't say anything. It almost disappointed him. Deep down, he wished she would convince him to stay or to take her with him. He wished she knew everything about him. He wished she would know the truth. He wished that he had never been born.

Minutes ticked by. The silence continued.

Then Miriam spoke. Her voice was steely. "You've got some mail again." Sirius whirled about. Miriam was standing with a folded piece of parchment in her hand. A brown owl was perched on a gnarled tree root. Sirius held out his hand automatically, but Miriam didn't give it to him. "It's from someone called A.D. He wants you to come back to England. He also says that the Dementors are still searching for you but that he knows a good hiding place. He also says he's been reading some signs and that he's worried. And he wants you home to keep an eye on Harry." Miriam handed him the letter. Sirius just stared at her. _She read it. She read it. _Miriam looked at him. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you", she said at last. "And I'm sorry I read your letter. But don't you see, Sirius? You wont get rid of me that easily." Miriam stepped closer. Now her eyes were imploring. "Please", she whispered, "please tell me what's the matter. I'll beg if I have to. Just tell me. _Please_." Sirius stared at her. _She read the letter. _Was there any point to keep his secret from this girl, who obviously wasn't going to let him go? Was there?

Or was there any point in denying that he wanted to tell her, no matter what would happen if he did?

No. There wasn't.

Miriam didn't look away from Sirius. She tried, with all her might, say to him with her eyes that she wanted to help him. She didn't understand anything. But, in her confused mind, Miriam realized that she had come to love this man and she wanted to know all about him, despite the fact that it might be bad. _No, Sirius could never do anything wrong. _

Sirius continued to stare at her. He seemed to be battling with himself. And then, Miriam saw his eyes soften, his being relenting. But there was a sadness around him, a sadness and – fear.

"All right, Miriam." Sirius' voice was very low. "I will tell you. I will tell you everything." The dark-haired man looked at Miriam with serious eyes. "But I must ask you for one thing. After I have told you all this, you must not prevent me from leaving." Miriam bit her lips together. "I promise." It hurt, but it was not impossible to say those words. She didn't really want to think about Sirius actually leaving and deep down, she still hoped she could talk him out of it.

"So…where should I begin?" Sirius seemed to be at loss for words. "I…this is not going to be easy. But the fact is that…I…I'm a wizard, Miriam."

The sun was setting. If you ever have told the story of your life, you would know it takes a while. And if your story were anything like this one, you would know that the deep silence that followed it was quite natural. For a deep silence it truly was.

Sirius didn't dare to look at Miriam. His throat was dry from all the talking, the memories suddenly so vivid that his head felt like bursting. He had never talked liked that, had never told his darkest secrets to anyone. But now he had told Miriam and he could not take it back. He knew he would never be able to put a Memory Charm on her, because then he would be forced to make her forget everything, even him, and Sirius knew that he didn't want that. All the same, he had revealed himself utterly and there was no going back. Sirius shut his eyes. _This is going to be my undoing._

At his side, Miriam was busy processing everything she had heard. As she was a deep-believing scientist, she had never believed in anything magical – well, maybe when she was a child and the world was all fairy tales and Santa Claus and Easter rabbits. But the long years she had been studying had slowly rinsed away the belief in all abnormal or out-of-the-ordinary things. And now she was confronted with a new world, a world that functioned according to completely different laws, where the impossible suddenly became possible and where you could actually do magic. Miriam's sensible scientist-mind rejected the idea from the start. But her heart didn't. Sirius wouldn't lie to her, not about things like this, and above all, she KNEW, deep down, that it was true. But it was not easy to accept.

Not to mention how sad, horrid and terrible his story had been, not because of the magic but because of Sirius' suffering. Miriam felt her eyes fill with tears. She didn't really understand anything about what Sirius had told her, she was not able to picture a Dementor or how terrible Azkaban was, but she had seen Sirius' reaction to nearness and emotions and she knew the years in prison had left deep scars on him, invisible but very much reality. How on earth had he survived those years?

Miriam swallowed hard. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to comfort Sirius, who was standing with his back to her, obviously quite upset and clearly deep in thought, probably thinking about the past. Miriam at last concluded that there wasn't anything to say, so she put out her hand and took Sirius hand. The dark-haired man winced, and it was as though the tension from before had returned tenfold. Miriam didn't let him go. She pressed a kiss to his hand and finally found her voice.

"Thank you for telling me." Sirius whirled around. His eyes were dark again, and she could almost see the memories in them, the memories of imprisonment, the memory of injustice and pain, the memory of treason and of having to give everything up. Miriam smiled at him. "Thank you, Sirius. Now I think I understand you a little bit better." She paused. "Not much, mind you, but a little." She smiled again. Sirius looked at her, his eyes unreadable. Then he smiled slightly, too. "Yes, maybe a little." Miriam continued, "What surprises me most is that I actually believe you." Sirius' eyebrows rose. "Oh?" Miriam smiled again. "I'm a scientist, Sirius. I don't believe in magic." "But you do now?" Miriam's smile widened. "No, not really. Because I'm a scientist, everything will have to be proved before I accept it and believe it. So, I think it's time for a little show." Sirius stared at her. "You're not serious!" Miriam's eyes widened innocently. "Why, I'm perfectly serious!" She sat down on the ground, clapped her hands and tried to look like an expectant child. Sirius rolled his eyes. "You're insane", he said, but he looked amused. That was what Miriam had hoped for, because she was trying to rinse the sadness from him. "Go on, then", she urged him.

Sirius rolled his eyes again and then took out his wand. "If you insist." He made a florid bow, pointed his wand at her, flicked it and said: "_Wingardium Leviosa!"_

Miriam's eyes widened in all honesty this time. She was actually rising from the ground, carried by an insubstantial spell! Her eyes flew downwards. "Whoa", she said, her voice shaking slightly. The man beneath her was laughing. "Are you quite convinced now?" he asked. Miriam nodded vigorously. Sirius snorted with laughter. He lowered her slowly to the ground again. Miriam tried to keep from toppling over. "That was…absolutely incredible", she breathed. She found herself starting to think about what this knowledge would do to the world and realised with sudden clarity that the whole basis, on which the Western civilization was standing, could be swept away by magic in a second. Miriam decided that she didn't really want to think about that.

"Are you all right?" Sirius asked, his voice concerned. He put his arms around her and Miriam answered the hug eagerly. She was beginning to feel silly. "Yes, I'm fine," she smiled. "Just a little surprised. And I think my view on the world is crumbling very fast at the moment." Sirius tightened his grip around her waist. "I know. It's not easy to hear. In fact, I have broken about a dozen Ministry decrees in telling you this." "Why so?" "Because Muggles…" WHAT?" "I mean, non-magic people, are not supposed to know about this world, not many at any rate. Of course there are those, who marry with Muggles, so eventually they will tell them."

Miriam thought about this. Then she looked up. "Then you haven't really done anything wrong." Sirius frowned. "What are you getting at?" "I mean", Miriam said slowly as she wound her hands through his hair, "that when we get married, you would have told me anyway."

Sirius stiffened. He let go of her and backed away a few paces. Miriam was suddenly intensely aware of a mounting tension in him. Sirius looked at her and his face was sad. "Miriam, I already told you. No one can have a future with me. As much as I wanted for us to be together, it is impossible." Miriam crossed her arms. "If you give me one good reason for us not to be together, I will believe it is truly so. If you cannot, I will go on believing that you are an amazing prat, who doesn't know what's good for him.

Sirius stared at her. "Haven't you been listening to a single word I just said? Everybody thinks me a mass murderer, I've got a prize on my head, foul creatures that would make you scream your senses away are hunting me, I don't have a home, I don't have anything to offer you! Is that not enough!"

Miriam pretended to think about it. "No."

Sirius opened his mouth to say something, then seemed to think better of it and shut it again, grinding his teeth. Miriam smiled. "Sirius. I know you're trying to protect me. But don't you understand what it would mean for me to part with you? Do you think that would make me happier, than to be with you, albeit on the run and shunned by your community? Haven't you realised that yet? I love you, Sirius, and you won't get rid of me that easily."

Sirius looked away. "You shouldn't." "What?" Miriam asked. "Love you?" Sirius turned around. "Yes." Miriam smiled. "I'm afraid it's too late for that, Sirius, because I do love you." She paused. "What about you?"

Sirius didn't say anything for a very long time. Then he sighed and walked over to her, pulling her into his embrace. "Yes, I love you, too, Miriam", he whispered.

_Epilogue_

"Be quiet", Sirius whispered to Buckbeak as they crouched behind a thick bush beside a paved road. A car went by, spraying mud all over. It was very late in the evening and it was pitch dark. Sirius squinted about. There was no one to be seen. The rickety house on the other side of the road was dark except for a single candle in one window. Sirius turned to the Hippogriff. "OK, Buckbeak, wait here. And _be quiet"_, he repeated.

He transformed himself into a dog and ran swiftly across the road. He walked around the corner of the house, aiming for the backdoor. As he reached it, he scratched at it with his front paw. There was a long silence. Then from behind the door, there came a hoarse whisper. "Who is it?" Sirius whined. There was a pause and then the door opened, creeking a little, and revealing a pale, worn face, illuminated by a candle.

"Sirius!" Remus Lupin exclaimed softly and almost fell to the floor as the dog, with a joyful whooping bark, jumped right at him.

"Here. Drink while it is still warm." Sirius took the mug with tea and gulped it down eagerly. He was ravenously hungry. Remus was standing by the stove, cooking eggs and bacon. He had a frayed apron on and looked, according to Sirius, fantastically silly. Remus whipped the sizzling bacon and eggs onto a plate and placed it in front of Sirius. "Eat. You must be hungry." Sirius grinned. "When are you going to stop speaking to me like your mum, Moony?" Remus sat down, smiling. "Well, as long as I'm sure you are fed and tucked safely into your bed." Sirius snorted, stuffing down eggs and bacon with surprising speed. "How are you?" he asked between mouthfuls. Remus looked so tired up close and there were dark shades under his eyes. Sirius thought the golden eyes themselves were really tired. Remus sighed. "Well…you know. Hanging in there." But then he seemed to kick himself. "Sirius, I'm a stupid ass. I'm FINE. How are YOU, more like? Where have you been? Why have you come back? Is everything all right? How is…". "Stop, stop!" Sirius put up a hand, laughing. "Whoa, slow down, I'm drowning in your questions, and as I am already quite soaked, that isn't what I'd call amusing." Remus grinned guiltily. "I'm sorry." Then he sobered and looked straight at Sirius. "I have missed you." Sirius grinned. "I daresay you have. Now I'm going to lead you into another disaster." Remus tried to conceal his smile. "I have missed that, as well."

As the night grew darker, the two friends sat silently by the dying fire in Remus' living room. There seemed to be a vast amount of unspoken words between them, so many words they were not able to say. After the brief encounter at Hogwarts last summer, both had been forced to flee. Sirius stared at the dying embers. He found that he was thinking about Miriam, as usual. It seemed that she was always in his head and after all, it was already about a month since they had parted. Sirius conceded that he didn't really want to think about their farewells. He tried instead to concentrate on the moment. He could sense that Remus was troubled, too, and surmised that it was because of the worrying signs Dumbledore had been sensing. Sirius knew that the Headmaster was in contact with Remus, as with him. Then Sirius thought about Harry and berated himself for being such a lousy godfather. Now he would do better than last time; he would help Harry now, when he had the chance.

"You know, you are much changed since I last saw you, Sirius." Sirius started at Remus' words and looked at his friend. Remus was watching him intently. "What do you mean?" Sirius asked warily. "Well…I don't know. You're…different somehow." Remus fell silent. Then he asked, quite frankly: "What happened while you were away, Sirius?" Sirius looked away. "Oh, well…many things." "Did you meet somebody?" Sirius head came up. "What makes you say that?" Remus rolled his eyes. "Oh, come off it! You're so transparent! I have been watching you the whole evening and even an idiot can see that your thoughts are miles and miles away." Sirius grunted. "It's nothing." Remus sobered, stood up and walked over to Sirius' chair. "Padfoot, old friend, don't lie to me."

"I'm not." Remus directed a hard look at his friend. Sirius surrendered. "All right, I DID meet someone. Are you happy now?" Remus smiled. "No, I'm afraid not, Padfoot." Sirius grimaced. "Why am I always surrounded by inquisitive jerks?" Remus looked at him gravely. "Sirius, you still have a lot to learn. All those inquisitive jerks are your truest friends, don't you see? Now tell me, what's bothering you?"

Sirius was silent for a long while, but at last he started speaking. He told Remus everything about Hawaii and Miriam. He told Remus about Miriam's feelings, about his own feelings and about their parting. For the second time in his life, he poured out his heart and felt that it had eased his pain a bit. Remus listened quietly, letting him speak. When Sirius at last fell silent, Remus stayed quiet for a long time. Then he laid a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Come. You must be tired." He directed Sirius to a spear bedroom on the second floor and all the while, Sirius expected him to say something, but Remus didn't. When he was about to close the bedroom door, however, Remus stopped and said. "Do you really love her, Sirius?" Sirius started and looked away. "Yes, I do", he whispered. Remus took a deep breath. "Are you sure you don't want to see her again?" Sirius turned right around to look at his friend. "Of course I want to see her again – but it's impossible and you know it, Remus!" His voice shook slightly. Remus smiled. "A very wise person once said that nothing is impossible." Again he laid a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Sirius, you have suffered more than any human being should and I think you have earned some happiness. Don't worry. I will talk this over with Tonks and…"

"Tonks! Why?"

"Because she's one of the few people who will actually talk to me", Remus said and Sirius, though he was far from perceptive at the moment, thought he saw Remus blushing slightly. "I need her help if I'm to arrange a meeting between you and Miriam." Sirius stared. "Are you mad? You can't bring her into this mess!" Remus glared at him. "You know, for a smart man you can be really daft sometimes. You have already told me what she said about this herself. She would be prepared to live with you even though you are an outcast. And besides, we know how we can protect her, it's not like we're totally defenceless. We can ask Dumbledore for help, too…"

"Are you completely insane?" Sirius almost yelled. "I don't want Dumbledore to sort out my love-life, _thank you very much_!" Remus looked ready to laugh. "Sirius, you're acting more of a fool I ever believed possible!" Sirius looked murderous. "I'm not finding this amusing, _Lupin._" Remus eyes hardened. "Nor do I. I refuse to see you go moping around for the rest of your life. Now shut up and go to bed and let me take care of this! I owe you big time, Sirius, so just let me do this, OK?" And at that, Remus turned on his heels and stormed down the stairs. Sirius stood staring after him in the door for a long time.

"What an amazing inquisitive jerk he is," the dark-haired man at last muttered. And then he smiled. "But what an amazingly good friend, too."

Remus took a deep breath and opened the door cautiously. Behind it stood a small figure, wrapped in a black coat, and she was accompanied by a second, taller figure, wearing a dark green cloak. Remus could see strands of pale hair from beneath the smaller figure's cape. "Come in," he whispered. The hooded figure swept in past him and a small, pale hand pushed the cape back, revealing Miriam's face. Remus thus looked at his friend's beloved for the first time, and he could see why Sirius had fallen in love with this girl. It was something about the transparency in her hair and skin that made her seem almost luminous and Remus could tell she was anything but helpless – the set of her jaw told him she was stubborn. At the moment, however, she looked pale and her hands trembled visibly. "Where is he?" Her voice vibrated almost fearfully. Remus smiled. "In there," he pointed towards the living room. Miriam turned and almost ran towards the door. She pulled it open and immediately flung herself in Sirius' arms. Remus looked away and squinted instead to the outer door. "Why are you standing out there, Tonks? Come in."

Nymphadora Tonks walked in, kicking a paper bin in the process and stumbling on a pair of shoes. Remus caught her just before she fell. Tonks rolled her eyes. "Really, one more fall wouldn't make a difference for me." She straightened and smoothed her hair, which today was jet black with yellow strands. She nodded towards the living room. "Those two should really consider getting a room, don't you think?" Remus pushed her hastily into the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink?" Tonk seated herself and pulled up a chair to put her feet up. "No, thanks, I'm fine." Remus looked at her as she closed her eyes for a while and as the candle on the table cast shadows on her face, he thought again how beautiful she was.

Just then, the kitchen door opened and Sirius and Miriam stood in the doorway. Remus could with all honesty say that he had never seen Sirius look this happy. Miriam's cheeks were pink and her pale, violet eyes sparkled. Remus suddenly thought they looked ten years younger. "Moony, old friend, you have no idea how much this has meant for me," Sirius said quietly. "Thank you." Remus smiled. "You're welcome." Sirius smiled, too. Miriam squeezed his hand and smiled at Remus. "Yes, thank you", she added. They closed the door behind them and Remus could hear them go up the stairs.

Tonks looked up. "People don't know how to behave these days, I'm tellin' ya. Did they thank me at all? No, of course not."

Remus smiled at her. "They probably didn't notice you there. Your hair colour is much too obscure. Tonks' eyes widened. "Do you think so?" She screwed up her face in concentration and in a moment, her hair was violet, with a long, yellow braid issuing from beneath the mass of hair. "Better?" she asked eagerly. Remus laughed. "Yes!"

_As the start of the Hogwarts term draws nearer, and the pace of events quicken, Sirius and Miriam are again parted for a while as Sirius journeys to Hogsmeade to keep an eye on Harry. After the disastrous and terrible happenings at the end of Harry's fourth year at Hogwarts and after the return of Lord Voldemort, things change yet again, and Sirius and Miriam find themselves in Sirius' old home. What will happen there?_

_To be continued…_

20


End file.
